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Does it really matter if it's real?
Oct. 16th, 2023 03:13 pmI like to think of my identity as being retroactive. If I had never played New Vegas, I probably wouldn't have ever put the pieces together. Every memory from my childhood that points in the direction of "you are Arcade" could have another explanation. All the noemata, memories, and feelings could be fabricated.
I also don't think that matters.
I feel happy. I feel as if I know who I am and what I'm supposed to do, where I'm supposed to be. I have an explanation for my alienation from society. My feelings of disconnect and longing and joy and heartbreak and devotion. If all that was really made up by my brain when I played a very good video game, I don't think it makes it any less real.
The reality of my identitiy is fully internal. You can't fact check this. It has no measurable affect on anything except through the conduit of my body.
If I am dreaming, it is a beautiful, meaningful, glorious dream. It's a dream of the best story I have ever been told and had the pleasure of telling. It's the life I choose to live.
I also don't think that matters.
I feel happy. I feel as if I know who I am and what I'm supposed to do, where I'm supposed to be. I have an explanation for my alienation from society. My feelings of disconnect and longing and joy and heartbreak and devotion. If all that was really made up by my brain when I played a very good video game, I don't think it makes it any less real.
The reality of my identitiy is fully internal. You can't fact check this. It has no measurable affect on anything except through the conduit of my body.
If I am dreaming, it is a beautiful, meaningful, glorious dream. It's a dream of the best story I have ever been told and had the pleasure of telling. It's the life I choose to live.
Expressing Yourself
Oct. 16th, 2023 03:12 pmExpressing your identity in day-to-day life doesn't have to be bombastic, it doesn't have to be with merch, it doesn't have to be identifiable as what it is by anyone but you.
I do buy merch, there's nothing wrong with doing so. Two of my most prized posessions are a Followers flag I got off Etsy and a Nuka-Cola ammo container that currently holds my mail.
The things that have made me feel more comfortable in my interactions with the outside world, however, haven't been stuff that's inherently Fallout-related. I love wearing baseball caps and trucker hats, so I got a Las Vegas baseball cap and a Nevada trucker hat. I wear athletic shoes and loose clothes with pockets so I feel like I wouldn't be out of place in the desert. I have something around my neck that's important to me but I don't want to show to other people... so I wear a bandana around my neck now and you couldn't look at me and be able to tell it's not there.
People in my life who don't know what fictionkinity and having a hearthome are accept those things as a part of who I am. People have told me that they were told how to find me by "look for the Nevada hat guy", or "he's the one in cargo shorts/pants". They're shocked when I show up not wearing these things. That means they see me as myself, even if only a little bit. I've found it did a lot more for me than things that are obvious.
I do buy merch, there's nothing wrong with doing so. Two of my most prized posessions are a Followers flag I got off Etsy and a Nuka-Cola ammo container that currently holds my mail.
The things that have made me feel more comfortable in my interactions with the outside world, however, haven't been stuff that's inherently Fallout-related. I love wearing baseball caps and trucker hats, so I got a Las Vegas baseball cap and a Nevada trucker hat. I wear athletic shoes and loose clothes with pockets so I feel like I wouldn't be out of place in the desert. I have something around my neck that's important to me but I don't want to show to other people... so I wear a bandana around my neck now and you couldn't look at me and be able to tell it's not there.
People in my life who don't know what fictionkinity and having a hearthome are accept those things as a part of who I am. People have told me that they were told how to find me by "look for the Nevada hat guy", or "he's the one in cargo shorts/pants". They're shocked when I show up not wearing these things. That means they see me as myself, even if only a little bit. I've found it did a lot more for me than things that are obvious.
